On missing someone.
I don’t mean the occasional text message or facebook post, “hey friend, miss you! hope you’re well, let’s get a drink soon”
Not that these don’t count, or aren’t real. But these are typically directed at people who you have not seen in some time, but can see again, at your discretion. They are there, within reach. Probably in your own city; you’re both just busy.
I mean missing someone. Longing for someone. Aching to see their face, physically in front of yours; their voice coming from a body within arm’s reach. To see them smile, even blink; to touch them. To hear them laugh, tell a story, share a worry, or just spend quiet time with them, moving and breathing together to an unheard rhythm that was established a long time ago that only you two share.
Knowing that they are so far far away, and will be for a long long time, and it being the only thing that seems to matter. What a feeling it is, to miss a person this way. Because it means that you have not, can not, and will not, see this person for an amount of time that you don’t think is even possible to endure. And it isn’t a feeling that comes and passes like any other emotion, where you can breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over and dealt with. It is always there. It may not be the first and last thing on your mind all day, but it gets in, and it nestles itself in the back of your mind, as a sharp edged stone in the dirt does, getting stepped on from time to time, deeper and deeper it goes, until it’s hit the lowest point it can reach, stinging all the way down. From there it is a perpetual throb. Phone calls help. Pictures are wonderful. But the amount of time that they last never makes up for the amount of times that you are reminded of that person throughout the day, and worse, the night. And yes, knowing that some precious day on the unknown date in the future of no-end-in-sight, you will get to see them again and the whole universe will be aligned and right again. And that hope is almost enough. But the miserable ache that eventually comes back and lingers mocks that hope tenfold.
What does it really mean, to “miss” another human being in this crestfallen way? It is needing them, because they helped make you who you are and you don’t feel functional without their presence. Missing a person this way is loving them. Friend, family, lover, this person lives within your heart in an individual way and in a reserved place that no one else does. Nothing and no one can suffice in their absence. And the echo through the hollow that they leave when they’re not around anymore, is just much too loud.
i miss my brother matthew in afghanistan. please pray for ours overseas. love.
